Let go

//Here's some behind-the-scenes reality for you, if you will.//

And I feel like breaking down
haven't left the house in days
more of them coming
I don't care to take care of myself
have forgotten who I used to do that for
I feel this imperial pressure
and it's getting to me, it's getting to me

And I feel like tearing up
the everyday emptiness,
echoing in my dull ears
I feel nervous when my phone rings,
because I have lost the words that can be spoken
that's how deep I am
in the meantime I'm reading about how important social support is, in one of my b o o k s

And I miss the old
all of it, early mornings, lessons that bored me
to death, the pressure
to have everything done in time,
the people I used to see every day, even if I didn't really want to,
the little choices that muted my mind from bigger questions
that now are my routine:
wake up in half an hour, have a cup of tea
fear for the rest of your life
realize your youth is slipping through your fingers
cry a little in your repetitive thoughts
face the fact that this is going to be your life for weeks, months even,
before your l i f e starts

What is it worth?

And I feel like breaking down now
looking through these old pictures
taken in sunshine and security
while listening to Summertime sadness by Lana del Rey
and sipping sweet cider

What a lovely bubble.

And I feel like breaking up
with the me of these pictures
but when waking up to another day
of emptiness speaking to me from cold corners
I understand I still haven't quite figured out

How to exactly let go.